Firstly, thanks to the people who have commented and emailed following my post yesterday. Your condolences are much appreciated.
I’m finding it very hard to do any work today as I’m off to Canada tomorrow for a friend’s wedding. Yes, it’s a long way to go for a wedding, but sometimes these things are worth it! Not only am I excited about the occasion (obviously) and the chance to visit Ottawa for the first time, but I finally get to wear the dress that I bought for this purpose in a fit of optimism back in March. It’s been hanging in my wardrobe since then, waiting for me to shrink into it. And shrink into it I have. Hurrah! I kept getting it out and looking at it, back in the early days of the diet, and thinking how fantastic it would be to be able to wear it. I know it was a bit of a gamble in case it never fitted, but it proved to be a colossal incentive to keep going.
I can also honestly say that this is the first formal event for years and years that hasn’t had me stressing out about what to wear. Not only do you want to look good for yourself, but you know that everyone else around you will be dolled up to the nines and looking their best. When you’re seriously overweight, it’s a thoroughly depressing prospect. One quick trip around the formalwear section of any plus-size retailer will illustrate why. When I think back to what I wore at my sister’s wedding a few years ago it makes me feel miserable even now. I was draped in something frumpy, black and shapeless while everyone around me was floating around in pretty summer dresses. Well not this time, that’s for sure (even though the dress is fractionally on the large side now … oh well!).
I have my group meeting this evening and, as usual, am nervous about what the scales will say. When you’re in abstinence it’s easy … you’re guaranteed to lose weight (if you’ve not been cheating) and it’s just a case of wondering how much. When you start eating again it’s an entirely different story. Did I get the portions wrong? Did I bend the rules too much? Have I had enough water? Am I just going to spend the next few months slowly piling all the weight back on? It’s a minefield. Also, and I only realised this today, you can’t help feeling physically heavier when you’re eating. Abstinence gives you a real feeling of inner lightness … probably because you are, quite literally, more empty inside. As soon as food is reintroduced, you feel different. I know that I’ve not been stuffing my face … it’s just that I’m simply not used to feeling full up. Well, not used to feeling full up as a thinner person, anyway. I keep finding myself peering down at my stomach at regular intervals to see if it’s grown … how crazy is that?
So we’re all packed and ready to go. I’m very anal and organised when it comes to packing (I got that from my Mum) and will never be one of those people who simply throws things into a bag an hour before the flight. We’re also moving back into our house as soon as we get back, so I had to clear all of our stuff out of Dad’s flat. It’s incredible how much junk you can accumulate in only six weeks … but at least I get to indulge my new-found cleaning fetish a bit more!
I haven’t decided yet whether or not to take a laptop to Canada with me … if I don’t, then I won’t be blogging again until next week. To make up for it I promise to download a photo or two from the wedding 🙂