The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Days Ninety Four to Ninety Seven – Minor Upheavals 18 May 2008

Well it’s been an interesting few days, and psychologically difficult ones too.  I’ve thought long and hard about this post and what I would or wouldn’t say, for reasons that will become immediately apparent.  The simple fact of the matter is that on Wednesday night I found myself in a position where I had to eat some food.  Now, before there is a massive chorus of disapproval and disbelief (I know that nobody genuinely has to eat food) I’ll explain.  As I said in my previous post, I was on a course for the duration of last week, and was coping with everything quite well.  What I didn’t realise was that on the Wednesday night there was a dinner organised with some luminaries from my industry, and as one of the tutors I was going to be on the ‘top table’.  After much soul searching (it would’ve been exceptionally awkward not to eat, or to eat lighter life food at the table, and not attending the dinner was not an option) I rang my lighter life counsellor for advice on how best to handle it.  She was very helpful and we agreed that the best thing for me to do was to tread very carefully and have a small amount of food (grilled sea bass with a handful of salad leaves, to be precise).

So that’s what I did.  My counsellor warned me that it would be difficult to get back into abstinence, but that she felt I was strong enough to do it as I’d been so focused to date.  And boy was she right.  I feel as if my grip on the diet has slipped slightly, which is so bloody frustrating because I’ve come so far.  I’ve managed to get back on the wagon, of course, but my internal monologue has been at war with itself ever since I ate.  I just can’t stop this diet now … I’m so close to my goal and really feel that I deserve to get there.  Not for the first time I’m reminded that this diet is not a physical challenge, but a mental one.

Things have been made even more tricky by the fact that I left the course on Friday afternoon and headed straight for a music festival.  There are eight of us staying here (at the ATP festival at Butlin’s in Minehead, no less) in two chalets for a weekend of music, heavy drinking and eating rubbish food.  For me, it’s music and water and trying to regain my solid grip on abstinence.  It’s been hard.  For some reason I’m really craving chocolate and I now find myself surrounded by half empty packs of the stuff (along with crisps, snacks and nuts) in our chalet.  I can’t be a colossal killjoy and ask people to put the food away … I’ve not had a problem with being around food until now and I think it all goes back to the fact that I ate on Wednesday and that I’m not used to having that sort of rubbishy food hanging around.  We just don’t have that kind of thing at home.  It’s been a difficult weekend … grrrrr!  Although it’s been brilliant fun at the same time and I’ll definitely come back next year.

So that’s what’s been occupying me for the last few days.  It will be good to get back to London on Monday night and back to my lighter life group (or first session in developers, as my foundation period is almost over, wahey!) and back to normality.  Then I can brace myself for the final stretch.  This is currently testing me to my limit.

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